So I read a post recently written by a woman who declared that mothers are tired because they often manage all or most of the details involved in running a household. She described how all these little things she keeps track of add up to a lot more than some may think. She was a stay at home mom who noted that her husband helps with some things, and her message was that she is very tired due to her mental load.
After reading I thought to myself, “That’s nice, she seems to be working really hard to ensure her husband and kids have a good life full of lots of positive experiences. Good for her for taking some time to reflect that she is taking on a lot. She’s allowing herself to be proud of what she does and recognize all of those many little things, while also acknowledging that she has this in common with many other women. She’s letting other people know she’s not alone. It’s awesome that she has this awareness because now she can do something about it if she wants. I like how she articulated it in a way that described facts about her own life, without generalizing or judging, and although she clearly says she’s tired, she still manages to come off like she doesn’t hate her life for it. Good for her.”
I was shocked to read the comments on this post! People judged her very harshly, making wry comments that she shouldn’t complain as it’s her own fault, that if she hates her life she should do something about it, and comments from dads who were offended by her position on the subject (despite that she clearly stated she was not generalizing and that she knows that there are other men who do more of the share of this unpaid work).
I just do not understand the need to judge other people’s lives so harshly, as if any one of us has all the right answers?! Why not just see the good in people and recognize that she is expressing her feelings about her life, which is perfectly fine? It’s great, in fact, that she has found this way to get her thoughts, feelings, and opinions out into the world. If that’s what makes her feel good, then why not? Why should anyone care anyway?
All of this got me thinking though, and I wondered where I stood on the matter of roles and responsibilities in a family, as a woman in her early 30s preparing for marriage and motherhood.
Well, it seems to me that a lot of women actually like to ‘wear the pants’ and manage the house! Although I definitely think there are some men somewhere who can do it really well, it is more commonly seen that women take on the bulk of this work in a household, often without their partners even fathoming the intricacies of all that they do.
This is where the conversation typically turns to a discussion about gender roles, and many will argue that the old-fashioned views of women needing to manage the household is unfair and that we should change the way we think about these responsibilities.
But doesn’t it also seem like many women also just prefer to do it? Isn’t it maybe that many (not all) of us women can’t wait to be moms and get to do all those things?
Don’t many women enjoy doing the organizing, the keeping the kids fed and ready to meet the world, getting to shop and decide what products everyone uses, taking pride in a clean home, getting to plan for success and enjoy the love that they cultivate within their family?
I understand that for some it’s not that they want to take on so many tasks, rather it’s that if they don’t plan it or manage it then it might not get done, or it will be done in such a way that ruins other plans or takes more time to fix than it would have to have just done it themselves. That makes it hard to delegate, which could understandably lead to frustrated exhaustion.
I’m sure that a lot of the time it’s that mothers do like doing a lot of these things, they just wish they had more help with it or that their partner enjoyed it as much as they do, and so they are again frustrated and exhausted.
But it is okay to admit that you are tired! Recognize it and do something about it!
Even with all these frustrations, I still believe in the importance of appreciating what you have and enjoying that time while it lasts, because you only get to do it for a fraction of a lifetime. Although you will be a parent forever, your children will grow and you will enter a new phase of your life. I am determined to make the most of raising a family and being a wife, because I can’t see how life would be tolerable if I didn’t look to the good as much as possible and as often as I can.
So I’ll be tired. I’ll be tired from making memories for the whole family. Still, time will pass and life will change but the memories will last forever.
I know that mine sounds like a pretty rosy picture and that eventually I will have to work to keep this perspective. I know that it won’t feel great all the time and sometimes it might feel awful. I might need to really push myself sometimes to remember what a gift I have. And when I need to, I will.
I’m not even a mother yet but I am so aware that we can never know how much time is left with a person or how your life will change, so we need to cherish the time that we do have and make the most of it, no matter the circumstance. Learning to feel happy with what you do have even when things are shitty? Who wouldn’t want that?
I also know there will of course be many women who read this and think, “But I don’t love all those things!” That is more than fine. Do your best to make your life the one you want to live.
As for me, I can’t wait to try raising good little humans and getting to do it all with my very best friend.
I’m saying I know it is going to be hard, but I also know that I am choosing to do it because at the end of the day, this is the life I’ve signed up for, and I’m creating the life I choose.
“Learn to appreciate what you have, before time makes you appreciate what you had.”